What's My Motivation?

TO GET OFF THE F$#@%*^! STAGE!!!!!

well, you crazy theater people get that joke.
ahem.

This post is only remotely about theater. I'm trying to get myself back into the healthy swing I was in last fall. Late last summer and in the early fall before it got dark too early and too cold, I was on a major walking kick. Every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, I'd toss on a t-shirt and work-out pants (or shorts if I was feeling particularly spunky), grab my walkman with the latest high-energy mix CD I'd created, and make the trip to the Metroparks to get some much-needed exercise, fresh air, and sunlight. Most of the time, I'd make this trip alone, and let the music drown out whatever thoughts were in my head. Or, if the thoughts were still louder than Eve 6 could ever hope to be, I'd turn it down and work it out. As I walked. And I'm not talking some Sunday stroll, nice easy pace. Anyone who knows Matt can attest to the fact that there is a very high probability that he's in better shape than I'm in, and I had him huffing and puffing at my pace. I book it. But then, the time change happened, and it got dark before I could really get a decent walk in, and I had to resort to walking on the treadmill. And I did pretty good, but part of the appeal was being outside, listening to the birds, the sound of the wind in the trees. Even with making a new work-out mix every few weeks, the treadmill wasn't enough to keep my interest. So I tried mixing it up, and got an aerobics DVD. I quickly learned that apartment living rooms are not conducive to kicks and grapevines. Then I got sick, and that was kinda the end of it. Once you get out of the routine, it's hard to get back into it.

That's where I've been for the last several months. On the couch, in my old pattern of going from being highly motivated to make a healthy change in my life to being fat and happy. Happens every winter. But I will say that 2005 was the longest stint of healthy motivation I've had in my life. So I'm trying it again. Last Tuesday, I got up off my ass, grabbed my walkman, threw on comfy clothes, and hit the treadmill. And not only the treadmill, but the weightroom. I spent nearly an hour. I don't know where it came from. I just got up. It was like Jane Fonda ordering Lazarus from the grave. Then I got my nasty cold, and I thought, "great, just when I found my motivation, here I am sick again. This is what helped to kill it last time." I fought back. As soon as I felt well enough (not 100%, but well enough), I got back on the treadmill. And again tonight. And the weightroom, too.

Wow. So what's my motivation, and how do I keep it from disappearing on me again?

Well, surprisingly enough, my brother's wedding, for starters. Pretty as I am (please note the subtle sarcasm behind my bold statement of self esteem), it's not your face everyone looks at in a formal gown. I've seen the bride. I've seen her twin sister. I'm certain that they couldn't fit their asses into a pair of my jeans, but I'll be damned if we didn't fit into the same damn formal dress. I nearly burst into tears in the store. 'Cause the maid of honor is fat. I've always considered myself chubby, but only rarely as fat. It was discouraging.

My mother. I am roughly the size my Mom was before she had kids. After she had kids, she never lost the baby weight, and she ended up a size 26. It took her years of being fat and unhappy, and a number of unsuccessful attempts at losing it until she found that Atkin's was her magic key, and now she's back to being my size.
Have you ever caught a quick glimpse of yourself in the mirror and swore it was your Mom (or Dad) staring back at you? That happened to me this morning.
I've tried Atkin's, and found it to be nothing like magic. Me on Atkin's = cheating left and right.

I found myself waxing philosophical after my Transcendant Tuesday on the treadmill last week. I have been in the habit my whole life of talking about what I want, and not what I'm going to do. "I want to lose 30 pounds." "I want to look better." "I want a promotion." And that's been the end of the discussion. Wanting hasn't led to an equation of how to get it. It just leads to wanting for me. So I'm trying to retrain my brain on how I think. I'm going to spend at least 20 minutes on the treadmill on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I'm going to hit the weight room and get some muscle, even if there's someone else in there and I feel awkward. I'm going to keep an eye on what I eat, but I am not going on a diet. The word "diet" is a deathtrap. I'm going to keep taking the stairs at work.

Maybe this will work. I'm optimistic. Matt is fantastically supportive. He doesn't bug me when I fall off the wagon (which only discourages me and shames me, and has the exact opposite of motivation). He showers me in excited encouragement when I tell him I've done my hamster dance on the treadmill. He sincerely tells me I'm beautiful regardless of when the last time was that I threw on my walking shoes. He makes me believe him when he says he's not worried about my appearance, just my family's history of heart problems.

So that's where I'm at. I'll try and keep you posted, maybe that'll be motivation too. So where does the theater thing come into play, you ask? I'm tired of my tummy overshadowing my talent.

The Unabridged Version

Hi again. Now that I'm not at work and afraid that someone might be looking over my shoulder, allow me to elaborate on my prior posting.

I mentioned that in my last paycheck I got a raise, and that I was really disappointed. Last year, I got nearly twice what I got this year. I was fuming, especially after all the additional work I've been doing, which is slowly driving me mad. So I suppose it was a good thing that my boss was out of town for several days before I'd have an opportunity to discuss the issue with him. When I got my chance to tackle him, like I said, I was very politically correct. I did not say the many things which sprang to mind, such as "What the fuck?! I save your ass on a regular basis, do assignments far beyond my title and job description, tell you it's no problem with a smile, and THIS is my reward?!? Where's my promotion, bitch?!" I simply went into his office, quietly shut the door behind me, and said that I was hoping to have an opportunity to go over my performance review. Steve launched into corporate you-caught-me-off-guard BS and said that he was planning on having everyone in next week to go over reviews, and was going to be calling to schedule those appointments today. "The reason I ask, is because I got my paycheck..." Steve said that he was expecting some of us to be upset, and calmly went on with his line of corporate BS about some mandate saying he could only give out so much, and not only could anyone not get over this low number, but that it also had to average out to such and such for the whole district, which is why I did not receive the financial compensation for the work I do that I deserve. Phil, the penis with shoulders that is my regional manager (read: Steve's boss) said to tell all of us irate, nearly-postal employees that we do have the opportunity to receive bonuses throughout the year. "But Steve, that's based purely off of budget numbers, not all-around performance," I pointed out. "That's little comfort." Steve agreed with me, and claimed that Penis with Shoulders could not be moved on this point. So, I launched into my next line of attack. "I was hoping to have a conversation with you about becoming a Senior Health Care Representative." (fyi, I am currently a Health Care Representative, or HCR, with my company) More corporate bs, but at least this batch smelled better. Steve told me that he and Kim (remember, my quality trainer?) had been discussing recently how to best move me along in my career with the Company and in our district. There are several hospitals that we are in the process of creating a relationship with, and with that additional business will obviously come additional workers, in several aspects of the work that we do. Two positions are going to be opening up, Team Leader and Senior HCR. The role of the Team Leader is with the girls in the office who work with Medicaid to get our patients approved. I've never been much of a fan of this work, because it is nothing but hounding inept county case workers and attempting to stalk down clients to shake their bank books and insurance policy information out of them. The role of the Senior HCR is more as a mentor/trainer for new hires, answering questions and helping out the girls in the hospitals with making good decisions about a patient's potential Social Security eligibility. Obviously, this is the position I prefer, and for more than one reason. This is the track with which I feel my talents can be put to their best use, it's what I find interesting and challenging, and it's in line with my future career goals. Have you ever heard the cast recording to "How to Succeed in Business (without really trying)"? In the very beginning of the show, the narrator points out that Finch shouldn't accept the position of Head of the Mailroom because he'll get stuck there - there's nowhere else in that department for him to move, no further opportunity to prove himself. In short, the advice is don't take a promotion just to get a promotion; make sure it's on a track that will help you to get to your ultimate goal. If I were to accept the Team Leader position, I'd be stitching myself to that track of our business, which is not where I ultimately want to end up. Anyway, I'm off track, I suppose. Steve actually asked me which position I preferred, and so I told him, Senior HCR. He said that he agreed, and that's the position he had in mind for me. Then he said that I will likely be promoted in 2-4 months, depending on how quickly the contracts with the other hospitals are signed. But even if it ends up being longer than that, I'll definitely be moved ahead in 2006. Steve is "100% behind" me being the next promoted in the district. And, that with this promotion, they were considering pulling back on my hospital responsibilities (read: work only 1 hospital). Also good news, but I would prefer to lose my less busy hospital as opposed to my busy one. Mostly because of the great relationship I have with the staff at that facility, the location of my desk, etc.
We'll see. At any rate, it'll be interesting. Well now that I've bored you to tears, it's time for me to make my lunch for tomorrow, and some dessert for tonight!