Out of the bad, into the good

Sweets have always been a huge temptation for me. Social events make turning down the temptation even harder. I went to a new friends' bridal shower yesterday, and my good eating went out the window for the day. The meal itself, I did ok. While I did eat 2 servings of starch (au gratin potatoes and egg noodles), I also ate 2 servings of vegetables, and 1 serving of lean protein. I made the mistake of taking a small piece of dark chocolate, and the flood hit me. I went looking for more sweets, and had a chocolate chip cookie bar and a piece of fudge. Then, they brought out the ice cream cake, and put a piece directly in front of me.
I need to cut this shit out! I need to concentrate on getting back on track; out of the bad mindset that comes with green-lighting bad-for-you foods, and into the good mindset that says "no thanks" and DOESN'T feel guilty about it.
Every goal needs a plan, so I planned my meals - all of them - breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks - for this week. I'm going to the gym at work tomorrow night, and will do a workout on my stability ball tonight. If this insane mid-60 degree weather lasts the week, I'll hit the park for a walk on Saturday. If it doesn't, I'll do one of my aerobics tapes, or go to the cardio room at my apartment complex.
Matt is being his usual helpful, supportive self. We got into a stupid spat last night, and made up this morning. He made me breakfast, and packed my lunch for me. He's even making dinner tomorrow night so it's ready when I get home from the gym. Him helping out with meals is a huge way to help me stay on track. My excuse for not going to the gym at work more is that my snack doesn't hold me over long enough to get home and make dinner - I end up snacking so much waiting for dinner to be ready that I shouldn't eat the meal once it's done! And I hate the idea of eating another meal at work, regardless of whether I brought lunch or not. I eat lunch by myself almost every day; I find it much easier to eat alone at home than I do at work. So, with Matt making dinner for me and having it ready when I get home from the gym, there'll be no snacking - just eating the meal I'm supposed to. :)

Wedding Planning, part 1 of infinity...

I am sure to be doing a great deal of talking about my wedding plans over the next year and a half. Matt thinks I'm going to have the whole thing planned in 3 months at the rate I'm going. So far, we've decided on:
our bridal party, composed of a mix of family and good friends
our colors - red and black
bridesmaids dresses - I've told my bridesmaids to pick out their own dress, so long as it is black, floor-length, and elegant.
and a time of year - summer 2009

I'd begun looking for non-church venues at which to have our ceremony, when it occurred to me that Matt and I haven't talked about the where portion of our wedding in a long time. We talked about it, and he said that it seemed odd for us to be married outside of a church when everyone in both of our families has been married inside a church. A week or so later, Matt said that he'd been thinking about it, and with how large his family is compared to mine, he felt like we should do something else to make sure my family had some sort of equal representation - that we should look into getting married at a Methodist church. I'm thrilled. I have no problems with having a priest helping to officiate at my wedding; I think it's a great way to make sure that we honor both of the faiths in which we were raised. My problem with getting married in a Catholic church is the number of promises I'll have to make that I am not necessarily comfortable making. I'm not sure which faith I want our children baptized in; what I would really like to see happen is for our children to have equal exposure to both the Methodist and Catholic churches, and when they're old enough, let them decide which, if either, church they want to become associated with. I have a hard time with the fact that the Catholic church does not allow women to serve as priests, or in a priest's capacity. I want children; I don't want to promise a priest that I "understand my Catholic husband's responsibility regarding the children." I attended services at a Methodist church close to my apartment this morning to check it out for my wedding. It's a beautiful church, the style is very English - lots of dark, warm, rich wood detail in the sanctuary, a large altar area - simple, but elegant. The cover of the wedding brochure they gave me has a quote from The Book of Discipline of The United Methodist Church, (1992), which I really identify with: "We affirm the sanctity of the marriage covenant which is expressed in love, mutual support, personal commitment, and shared fidelity between a man and a woman. We believe that God's blessing rests upon such marriage, whether or not there are children of the union. We reject social norms that assume different standards for women than for men in marriage."
Amen.
The church I went to this morning is very flexible and reasonable when it comes to not only price, but how you want your wedding ceremony to be. They had no problems with me wanting to bring in not only a priest, but also my own minister. If Matt and I don't use a minister from their church, we also don't need to attend their pre-wedding counseling (it's the responsibility of the clergy performing the ceremony to cover this with us).
I appreciate that kind of flexibility. The Methodist Church downtown I was looking into initially is absolutely beautiful - much more gothic cathedral than protestant church. But you must use their clergy, anyone else involved in officiating must be approved, all music must be reviewed and approved, you can't use an aisle runner, etc. Now, granted, most of this isn't a big deal, it's just that I feel very welcomed by the freedom afforded by the church close to home. And, an extra $1000 for the ceremony isn't exactly welcoming, either!
I'm very hopeful that Matt doesn't change his mind and that we will be married in a Methodist church. A church is far less expensive, and much more personal, than anywhere else I've looked.

Resolve

I've always found the concept of New Year's Resolutions to be kind of silly. Without the right attitude and conviction, you're no different on January 1 than you are December 31. It takes 6 weeks of truly committed effort to make a new routine habit. Which I think explains why new workout, eating, and healthy habit regimens don't make it past January 31. I say, if you really feel like the motivation will be with you to stick to your resolution, then you should take January as a time to start wrapping your head around your goal, decide if you really can commit to it, and plan what steps to take. If healthy eating is your resolution, why not use January to start testing out healthy recipes, and reading up on what healthy eating really is? Try a whole day of tracking what you eat on a website like fitday.com, and get an idea of how many calories you eat now.

I think that in most cases it's not that people lack the ability to accomplish their goals; it's that they lack the proper information and motivation. I think that if people take the time to sit with their feelings, they'll either find the real motivation, or discover that the work required to meet the goal exceeds their dedication to achieving it. Surprisingly, I don't necessarily find that lazy. I think it is far better to recognize what you are and aren't willing to do to meet a goal before starting than to suddenly realize it part of the way through and give up.

The reason I choose to write about resolutions and resolve today, the time of year most infamous for such things is because I find myself re-gaining motivation for following a healthy lifestyle. The itch to get back to my healthy habits has been gaining strength for a few months, but the engagement has really fed the fire. I don't want to try on wedding dresses and wish I were 15 pounds lighter, or my stomach a few inches flatter when I could make that a reality. I have confidence in my ability to make this happen - I did it before, I can do it again. I remember how good it felt to step on the scale each week and see another pound gone. I'd like to have that again. The difference this time is that it's going to be harder, since I'm not as heavy. The closer the body gets to its ideal weight, the more it hangs on to its fat reserves. I'm not looking for miracles; just another dress size. 15 pounds before Spring 2009. That's even too realistic; If I lose a pound a month, I'll be close to my goal weight by this time next year.

I'm particularly proud of the fact that I've managed to maintain, within 5 pounds, the weight loss I worked so hard for last year. It further cements not only my resolve to accomplish my goal, but also the confidence that I can.

I'm going to try to post on my blog more regularly next year, because I'm not on eDiets any more. Posting on the discussion boards was a really helpful way for me to vent about frustrations and celebrate successes. Hopefully, it won't bore anyone who stumbles on it too badly, and you'll leave some feedback for me.

A Happy 2008 to us all!

2007 - Year (and proposal!) in Review

Well, here we are, once again, at the end of another year. Last year didn't warrant the year in review, but this year certainly does. Alot has happened in only 12 months!

January - the financial counselor I worked with gave me wind that my company's contract wasn't being renewed, and I was job hunting without any prospects. CAC Singers had gone away with the director's move to Pittsburgh, and we met to try and work out a way to keep going. Unfortunately, it didn't work. I also started back to school in January, taking Intro to Inorganic Chemistry - my first class in 5 years. I managed to get an A, which I thought wasn't possible.

February - the lay-off happened. We were given until April 15, a severance package, and a bonus if we stayed with the company through the end of the contract. So we all started job hunting more seriously, and nothing was looking promising. Matt and I also celebrated our 1 year anniversary. We decided to move in together, see how we did in one space. I also found out that I was going to be an aunt - Lisa was pregnant, and expecting in August, right around their anniversary. I told them I was sure the baby would be born on their 1 year anniversary.

March - job hunting continued, and I started interviewing with CEA for a position with implementation. I wasn't thrilled about the idea of travelling all of the time, but the idea of living on 3 months of severance and praying for work was far more frightening.

April - Matt and I moved in together, and I started travelling for CEA filling in for a team leader in Fredericksburg, VA. I loved the job itself, but the travel was really hard. Matt treated every week I left as a big event, and that just compounded the feelings of loneliness I had. Having just moved in together didn't make leaving any easier. Beatrice started acting up - biting, getting easily agitated.

May - another month of travel. I started hating the travel more, and was really happy to have an interview with the Cleveland Clinic in cancer research. The woman I interviewed with was young and energetic, seemed easy to work with. Luckily for me, I was offered the job a little over a week after my interview, and I put in my 2 weeks with CEA and got my severance. I also hit my weight-loss plateau of 25 pounds lost, and while I was still trying to lose, it wasn't long before I decided to maintain.

June - First of the month was my last day with CEA; I flew home from Dulles and never went back. I started with the Cleveland Clinic June 11. For the first few months, it was hard to describe what I do, because I didn't know much about it. Now I can say that I work on the paperwork side of research - forms for the government, and pharmaceutical companies, writing informed consents.

July - Matt started talking about us getting engaged before the end of the year, and ring shopping in August. I was so excited I could hardly contain myself! I kept working to adjust to and learn my new job, still missing the old.

August - It was all I could do to not run out to a jeweler on the first and start looking at engagement rings. With my 25 pound weight loss, I tried on my class ring from high school to see if I was still the same size, and found the ring was huge. When I got my finger sized, I'd gone from a 7.5 to a 5.5. (while I'd tried it on several months earlier, it's also notable that my prom dress fits again!) Genevieve Edith, my beautiful niece, was born on August 26 - Robert and Lisa's 1 year wedding anniversary. I got to hold her when she was only an hour old. She had the sweetest face, all wrinkly and red.

September - All of the Brown girls drove down to Cincinnati to welcome another member of the family - my cousin Robyn was expecting a little girl. Genevieve did great on her first car trip, and it was so much fun to get to spend the day with her.

October - Martha's wedding. The bridesmaid dress, while beautiful, cost quite a bit because the company screwed up and sent a dress far too big. My tailor did a great job, and I looked beautiful for my friend's big day. Martha looked amazing - her dress was elegant and simple, yet with beautiful detail. She looked alot like Princess Di. It touched my heart to see my good friend so happy.

November - the pressure was on from Mom and Dad about Matt and I getting married. No proposal yet, and my parents weren't the only ones getting antsy. It was hard for me, because I understood both my parents' position as well as Matt's. Mom and Dad were afraid Matt was getting the cow for free with our co-habitation, and Matt realized time had gotten away from him and started his search for the perfect engagement ring. Matt's grandma died right before Thanksgiving, and so we had her funeral to attend. While sad that she died, I found it sadder that funerals seem to be the only time that Matt's father's side of the family got together. They're good people, and I'd like the chance to see them more often.

December - I had a little pre-engagement meltdown. The year's end neared, and I thought for sure my wedding bells would have started pealing sooner. We talked, and while I hated feeling like the nagging girlfriend, Matt was great about it - he understood where I was coming from - that 6 months of engagement blueballs was just too much for me to take. He promised the ring was worth waiting for, but that it might not be ready by the year's end. I felt better having had the chance to vent and be understood and not judged. I had my biochem final, and got a B in the class - which was disappointing, because I was only a few points away from an A. With finals over, it was time for Matt's birthday. We'd both taken the day off, and after a relaxing day, I went to finish the grocery shopping in the afternoon. After 30 minutes of fighting the silver haired crowd at the deli counter, I managed to make it home. As I reached the apartment door, my cell phone started to ring. Fighting with my keys and cussing, I got the door open...and there was Matt, standing in the doorway, surrounded by tealights. He told me not to answer the phone, took my purse and groceries as I removed my coat and stood in front of him. He said to me, "I don't want to get another year older without you in my life. Will you marry me?" I cried a few happy tears, and said yes to the sweet man on one knee before me, an the beautiful ring he offered. We'll be married in 2009.

It's been a terribly busy year, and I look forward to so much to come in 2008. Planning my wedding and marriage to Matt, continuing my education toward becoming a physician assistant, and Matt starting school full time.

Homeowner - resolved

My Dad was really movin' on the whole house thing, and called me at work 2 days after mentioning the idea. He'd already spoken with my aunt's brother-in-law about the house, and with my uncle, and 2 things came out of those conversations. A) my uncle made it apparent that the house is in quite a shade of disrepair, and B) my aunt's family would probably try to screw me out of the sweet deal my family wanted to offer me.
Matt and I talked about it for 2 days, and we not only don't have the money for a downpayment, but with both of us in school, we also don't have the time or motivation to renovate a house right now. Particularly one in an area of town in which neither of us wishes to live.
So, there you have it. Apartment living is the life for me!

Homeowner?

I saw my parents at my brother's 30th birthday party yesterday. They had an interesting proposition for Matt and I. My aunt's father has been in assisted living for some time now, and they haven't cleared out his house yet. The family wants out from under the house without having to do the work to get it market-ready. My aunt and uncle were talking about their situation with my Dad, and said that they wish there was a family member they could sell the house to for cheap. Dad suggested Matt and I, and brought it up to us.

The house is in Parma, 2 miles from my childhood home. Anyone who lives in the greater Cleveland area knows that Parma's reputation as a community has declined in the past several years. It's a 3 bedroom bungalow, like pretty much every home in Parma. There is a basement, and a finished attic. I haven't seen the house, so I really don't know much more than that at this point.

The Pros:
Aunt and uncle are willing to sell it to family between $50,000-$80,000 - an easily affordable mortgage for Matt and I
Mom and Dad are willing help out with the renovations (with money and sweat-equity)
It's closer to Tri-C, where I'll be full-time in a few years for the PA program
It's closer to Matt's family, and we will be responsible for his sister at some point in the future

The Cons:
It's in Parma
It might need alot more work than we're willing to put into it
The majority of our friends are in Mentor
Our current plan is for Matt to go to working only part time, and school full-time in January. With a mortgage, we may have to
I really don't like the idea of living 2 miles away from where I grew up - I feel like I've worked so hard to put Parma behind me...

A big pro to consider would be the idea of flipping the house. Matt and I are thinking of discussing the idea with my parents. We split the cost of the mortgage and materials, sell the house for the going rate, and split the profit down the middle. Matt and I could really use the money for when I go to the PA program and stop working in a few years.

It gives me a headache thinking about all this. I'll be coordinating a tour of the house with my aunt's family through my Dad. I'll keep you posted. Any thoughts?

Party Like It's 1999

I was updating my classmates.com info the other day, and started a little blurb about my weight loss. I was about to comment on how I'm almost back down to my high school weight, when I began to wonder if I fit back into my prom dress. How cool would that be to be able to say? So, I tentatively went to my closet and pulled out my beautiful old dress. I slipped it on, making sure not to wear anything that would suck me in and give me a false positive. And...IT FIT! Like a glove. In all the right places. Rock on!
Feels good to be officially back to my high school weight. Especially since my senior year was when I was the most physically fit I'd been in my life (up until recently). I was taking step aerobics and Tae Kwon Do that semester.
The thought that occurred to me that feels both weird and really cool as that from now on, all the weight I lose, will literally be the smallest I've been in my adult life. I mean, awesome right? A little weird to think about, though. Because once I got used to losing weight, it didn't bother me, or scare me too much, because I'd already been that size. I knew what I'd look like, knew how it'd feel. Now, with a little over 15 pounds to lose until I hit my goal weight, it's a little different. I'm not going for anything unrealistic; although my friends keep telling me I don't have 15 lbs to lose (aren't they sweet? :^) ). Just feels really different. I guess because I've already acheived one goal - getting back down to my high school weight. But the thing is, I wasn't happy with my weight then, so I'm trying not to become too complacent now. Back then, I always felt fat. 180, now that was when I was fat. That was my starting weight. Whether people actually believe it and are just being nice when they act surprised or not, I was in such a state of denial. "I carry it well" "I don't look as fat as my patients who are 180. They look like houses!" Maybe I didn't, but I was just as unhealthy. I'm proud that I woke up and found the motivation to do something about it. I'm much happier now than I was a year ago.

So, I say I'm partying like it's 1999 'cause that was when my prom was.

New Job!

I had an interview for a job with the Cleveland Clinic a few weeks ago, and I'm proud to report that I'll be working for them with their cancer research department! No, I won't actually be performing research, but I'll be helping with the writing portion of things. The travel for my old job was really getting to me. I'm getting a $4,000 a year pay increase, and a job that will be very supportive of my academic endeavors (read: school for physician assisting). Plus, no travel outside the Cleveland area. So Matt and I will actually get to experience what living together is really like for the first time since I moved in over a month ago.
I'm practicing a bit of deception at the moment, though. I've told my current employer that I'm unhappy with the travel, and that my last day with them will be June 1. What they don't know is that I have another job I'm starting June 11. And I intend to keep it that way. I was told when I took this position that if for whatever reason I decided I no longer wished to travel that my severance package would be once again an option. Although the agreement says nothing about being contingent on my not being employed, I feel it behooves me to keep the new job quiet. I don't want them trying to change my decision into a quit rather than a layoff. If we hadn't lost the contract in Cleveland, I would still be with the company, happy as a clam to continue while attending school.
If all goes according to plan, I'll receive 3 months of salary, plus a few grand in a paid time off payout. Which will go toward bills, and other necessities. Like new clothes for my ever-shrinking, slinky new figure.
I don't exactly know yet what it is that I'll be doing for the Clinic, other than writing protocols for cancer research. Which, from what I've gathered, means that I'll be making sure that the research we're doing follows federal laws and insititutional guidelines. It's a desk job, but a very grown-up desk job. :^) I'm looking forward to taking my walking shoes and getting in a few laps on my lunch hour, since I'm not used to being at a desk all day long. Parts of it will be boring, I'm sure. But I think that overall it'll be a really good experience, and it'll help me to get accepted into the PA program when the time comes.